The Elephant in the Room

I haven’t written in a really long time.  In July, I broke it off with my baby daddy.  In August, I started dating, heavily.  Too heavily.  I lost control of myself and my dating.  It became easy to find guys who wanted to hang out.  Guys who were lonely. Guys who wanted to have some fun.  I enjoyed it.  It made me feel like a kid again.  I felt wanted and attractive.  Eventually, I felt dirty and ashamed. It was easy.  Too easy.

I connect with people easily but especially men.  I know how to flirt and tease.  I know how to follow through.  I know how to nurture and increase one’s ego. I know how to compliment and make them feel special.  I was with one guy and decided he was the one. We discussed it and he felt the same way.  It was good for a while but as much as I did, I would get texts every 3 days or so.  I wanted more.  I wanted to know I was special and important.  He couldn’t do that.  He was struggling financially and lost one of his jobs. We are still friends.  We don’t see each other any more.  I moved on.

I went back to dating again.  Even less satisfying than the first time.  I realized I wanted more than just a good time, some fun or a roll in the hay.  I wanted a partner.  I wanted a best friend.  I wanted love.  I had forgotten how to love and trust.

I met someone new.  Not online, but at karaoke.  We hit it off immediately.  We have been together for 3 months.  He is adorable and sweet.  He just started to quit smoking.  He drinks less than he used to.  We cook together.  We have awesome sex.  We wake up in the morning and he is the first guy I have wanted to keep in my bed.  Do you sense the but?

He has low self esteem.  He drinks too much.  We have fun.  He has met my children.  I have met his mother and sister.  I haven’t met his children.  He hasn’t met my parents or brother.  I am not in love.  I care about him and find him incredibly attractive but he is not a partner, best friend or love.

The elephant is in the room but we don’t address it.  We have fun.  We are monogamous. My mind is wandering. My thoughts aren’t always with him. I started talking to others. I have not gone on any dates. I am content. I want more.  I want the fairy tale.

Here’s the problem. I don’t believe in the fairy tale.  I have forgotten how to love someone with all my heart. I have forgotten how to trust. I am 44 years old.  I have two boys. I am ambitious and hard-working. I love my job and my second job. My life is good.

I miss having someone real to share my life with.  Someone to help take some of the overwhelming things away.  Someone to lean on. Someone to have fun with. Someone to take care of me. Someone to take care of. Someone to love.

Focus Trust Acceptance

FOTRAC…my new mantra

Still finding balance. Not always happy with what I do but I am prepared to enjoy my life. Looking for the man that will WOW me as my friend says.

I could use a little WOWING

Balance and Time Restrictions

I have been single now for about 2 months or so. I needed to feel good about myself so I went on dating sites. I got a great humorous speech and lots of kudos. It was exhausting. I could basically have a date almost every night with a new person. I could also have sex almost every night if I wanted. I met a lot of men that I liked. One in particular.

The balance of having dates, two jobs and two children is daunting. I don’t want my dates to meet my children right away. I don’t want my children to meet my dates. This causes a lot of time restrictions.  It goes something like this:

I have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights without my 4 year old. On those nights, it is possible that my 16 year old wants something. Most Friday and Saturday nights I work my second job. Monday through Friday I work my full time job during the day.  That gives me Wed, Thurs and Fri nights and lunches during the week (except Thursday when I have Toastmasters) or hiring a babysitter.  They pretend to understand but they get frustrated and eventually stop asking.  That’s how I weed them out.

The guy I am seeing now is perfect for my situation right now. Almost perfect. He works 2 jobs almost full time (and rarely ever sleeps). He takes on extra shifts for the money. On Saturdays, he spends the day with his daughter who is 10 and I bring my 4 year old and sometimes the older one to hang out with them.  On the other days, we miss each other but I am finally getting what I asked for…to be left alone every once in a while.

I wanted time to do the things I wanted to do. Exercise, paint, work, spend time with my boys and my nieces and anything else that may catch my fancy.  I have what I want now. Someone I can see and enjoy once in a while (though I could use some more time with him) and time to myself and quality time with my kids.

I had to slow down and look at my priorities. It was fantastic to have so much attention from so many men but it was so exhausting and it was like another job. Once I looked at my priorities, I decided to date one guy that I had the best connection with and get what I want out of life – some peace and quiet and time with my family and friends.  I am still working on the balance, but I am pretty happy where I am at right now.

I want my life to mean something and I want to leave my legacy with happy memories. I am happy with the balance I have created and things always change so I have more adventures to look forward to in the second half of my life.

Loneliness

I am newly single (about a month). I decided about 2 weeks ago to go on a dating site and ended up signing up for 3 of them. I am a little obsessive. I still look at other sites but have to remind myself that I don’t need any new connections or to spend any more money.

What I have learned:

1. I really like to flirt and banter.
2. I am not looking for anything serious at this point.
3. It helped to set up a separate e-mail account so I can converse with some of the guys offline but not in the realm of all of my personal stuff
4. I enjoy intelligent and fun conversations.
5. People will try to take advantage if they can. I have had to remove three people off of my list. There are a lot of men with time to waste on trying to hurt others.
6. I am blessed with great friends and family.
7. I am a nurturer and I find that I cater to those who are needy…which is why I got out of my last relationship.  Thank goodness they are only on e-mail.
8. Guys are scared to ask someone out. I have had to make the first move almost every time.
9. I hope maybe I will find someone, someday that will fill my expectations. Now is not that day.
   

   10. There are a lot of lonely men out there.

My Personals Ad, Updated

In 2008, I did a speech talking about Dating Sites on the Internet. It was funny back them but even funnier now because not much as changed. I am on 3 dating sites right now (It’s research for my speech…she tells herself).

https://sereneartiste.wordpress.com/2015/05/05/the-personals-my-very-first-humorous-speech-in-2008/

It is 7 years later and not much has changed except now I have an almost 17 year old and a 4 year old instead of a 10 year old and 2 beagles. I feel the same way now as I did then, maybe even stronger about my convictions.

I still think of the “C” word as dirty. “Committed”  What were you thinking?

I still want a man. That hasn’t changed. This time instead of putting up with me (which is a given), maybe someone to balance me.

I still want to create the honey do list to get things done that I don’t want to do. Especially if it entails hiring someone to clean. Oh, I really hate to clean.

The extra money is always a plus…that makes the person a partner in the relationship. I am not sure I knew how to articulate that then (or find it for that matter), but I want a partner in everything.

I no longer believe in Prince Charming riding on his horse with me in tow towards the sunset for the perfect life. Either I’m riding the horse and not sharing the saddle and he is walking or I have my own horse because I can do whatever he can do (give or take).

I am busy. I work full time and part time, I financially and emotionally take care of both my children. I am self sufficient. I don’t need a man, but I want a male partner….I’m really not sure how to expand on that thought.

At 43 vs 36, this is my personals ad and it hasn’t changed, much:

SFWC – Single Female with Children – looking for a MAN for companionship, partnership and love.  A paycheck is a requirement, not a bonus.  A big paycheck is a huge bonus and will put you closer to the top of the list.

Need to be able to put up with my monthly mood swings.  Who am I kidding… How about minute to minute?

Must understand chocolate and salt cravings monthly and replenish supply frequently. During the other parts of the month, must help me to eat right and do not tempt with bad foods. With me being 4’10”, the lbs are easily seen and I will complain and blame you. Must be able to hide bad foods and reach those said foods for me when they are needed.

Spoil me, give me attention and affection unless I want my space then leave me the hell alone.

Need to enjoy the little things in life…Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Thomas the Train or anything else that catches my 4 year old’s fancy (he’s very particular and stubborn). Enjoy some of the bigger things too, like rap music, giving girl advice and putting your foot down when the 16 year old is a jerk (this happens daily so pick your battles and make sure he respects his mother).

Knowledge of shopping is required.  Must know the correct answers to shopping questions. These will include “No, that is not too much money” and “Pick out whatever you like” and my favorite “You make those Jeans look fantastic, You look so thin. Have I told you that I love you.”

Must love to hold hands and show public affection, even when you are not enjoying yourself. Just be happy that I am happy.

Must be able to ask for or read directions. Listening to the Google Map lady is a must because you really are lost and you don’t know where you are going.

Must be able to build things so they look like the picture on the box and not a Picasso (or buy things already assembled).

Must be able to admit to being wrong daily. And don’t worry, when you don’t admit it, I’ll wait until you do. I am a patient person. I can wait all night while you sleep on the couch.

Must have good appetite and sense of humor to deal with my family – I am Italian and Jewish (big family,lots of sarcasm, lots of food and I am proficient on feeling and giving guilt).

Must be a good listener or a good pretender (nodding politely, standard answers…yes dear, anything you say dear). I like to talk.

Must be intimate. A little pat on the butt goes a long way. A smack on the butt goes even farther (as long as it isn’t followed with a comment about the size of my butt).

Are there any takers?

10 Things about Being Short

1. I can stand up in the window seat of an airplane without hitting my head, but I have to stand on the seat to get anything out of the overhead bin.

2. I have 3 stools in my house to reach a variety of different things, but sometimes I ask my 16 year old to get stuff for me anyway because I don’t want to get the stool out.

3. If I fall, I am closer to the ground so it isn’t a long trip. It still hurts, but it hurts much quicker and I can assess the damage quickly to decide whether to laugh hysterically or sob (bigger they are the harder they fall..hee hee)

4. I fit in small bathtubs, not completely comfortably, but much better than a tall person. If only my belly was flatter, it would be under the water with the rest of my body.

5. I can go under things and I am good at limbo. However, climbing walls during the Spartan Race was a bitch because I could barely reach the top of the wall let alone hop over it.

6. I can buy a small car or a big car and fit into it in order to drive, as long as the seat moves correctly so that my belly is 2 inches from the steering wheel. I cannot drive any car when I am 7 months pregnant because my belly is almost as big as I am tall and my arms and legs cannot reach the steering wheel and pedals past my belly.

7. I can’t always reach things on the top shelf in stores. I do get to ask the cute tall guy walking by to get it for me though (or sometimes they assist me willingly).  Sometimes I make a new friend if I find a tall woman. Win-Win

8. I can play on some of the same playground structures as my 4 year old without hitting my head or getting stuck. He does get scared sometimes and I can get him but he is more than half my size so carrying him down is not very fun.

9. I can sit in criss cross applesauce position while working in a chair (called Indian style when I was a kid). My legs are just short enough to cross. This is mostly because my legs swing and I cannot reach the ground.

10. I fit in small places. Sex in the front seat of a sedan isn’t difficult (isn’t really comfortable either) but I can move in many different ways (helps that I am flexible).  I always have to be on top and don’t get the pleasure of being tossed around like a bag of potatoes.

Dating Sites – Research

I got bored one night and decided to go on some dating sites.  I wrote a speech back in 2008 about dating sites so I call this research.  The Humorous Speech contest is quickly approaching and I need some new material.

In the meantime, I am having intelligent conversations with different men from different places and different backgrounds. I love the stories I am told and I tell them my story. I am flirting a bit too.

I feel happy. I like to feel happy. My family has noticed I am happier. That monkey is off my back.

Good Night to me!

New Laptop

I got a new laptop. Maybe now I can write more blog posts when I am at home. I am so excited about my new toy.

Pastels