The Personals – My Very First Humorous Speech in 2008

“Is Anyone Serious About Love?” “Need Someone to Play With.” “Equal Opportunity Employer” “Need a Bugman?” These are a few of the headers I have seen from men on an internet dating site.

I am a single mom with a 9-year old boy and 2 beagles and I am looking for my “Bugman”.

Being single vs. married is an adjustment to make. When I was originally single, I fantasized about being married. After about 5 years of being married, I fantasized about being single again. Now that I am single again with a son, I just want to be…….. ”Committed”. I just don’t know. Can anyone here help me? Is anyone else in this situation?

I am plagued with questions.  How will I know if it is right?   What do I want?

  • Romance
  • Affection
  • Love
  • A MAN!  Who can put up with me! DATING IS TRICKY….

I am 36 and set in my ways.  I have learned to live on my own and be a mom to my son and my beagles.  Why would I want anyone to take that away?

I know!!!! There is the replacement of air filters, taking out the garbage, adding salt to the water softener. Need I say more? Well I will…Making the mortgage payment and the utilities, getting the car washed and the oil changed, picking up the poop in the yard. You get where I am coming from. It’s not that I can’t do these things – I just really don’t want to…..

I mean, I would like to have someone take care of me…is that too much to ask? I am not high maintenance. I can use the extra cash. I would also like dinner on the table when I get home, the house cleaned, everything fixed, did I mention extra money?

I can settle for a trip to Red Robin or Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.  However, I would prefer to go to dinner in a private jet to an exotic island on the beach. Isn’t this every woman’s dream?

I have this notion in my mind about meeting my Prince Charming and riding off into the sunset. Then there is this issue, I don’t like to even say “Committed” or “Exclusive” or “Boyfriend” let alone think about it, unless I am talking about being institutionalized, a move premiere or someone elses.

This is where reality comes in.

I like my space, my time, my life.  I like to go out with my friends.  I come and go as I please and I don’t have to discuss it…with anyone.

I can date whom I want when I want (as long as they want to date me also).

I can wear whatever I want at home (Tinkerbell PJ’s), watch whatever I want (back to back chick flicks) and eat whatever I want (M&Ms and Rold Gold Pretzel Sticks dipped in Lays French Dip – only 1M calories per pretzel)

So where does this leave me? Which way do I go? Am I committed to being single? Maybe I haven’t met the right guy yet.

Well, here is my personal ad.

SFWC – Single Female with Child – looking for a MAN for love, romance, affection and respect.

Need to be able to put up with monthly mood swings, possibly weekly  – who am I kidding – daily or even hourly.   How about minute to minute?

Must understand chocolate and salt cravings monthly and replenish supply frequently. During the other parts of the month, must help me to eat right and do not tempt with bad foods. With me being 4’10”, must be able to hide and reach food in high cabinets for me.

Must spoil me often, give attention and affection when necessary and give me my space and alone time when needed.

Need to enjoy the Disney Channel, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network when my son is around (and sometimes when he is not). Must like VIDEO GAMES (to give me a break from playing) – must not like video games too much (depending on when I need attention)!!!

Knowledge of shopping is required.  Must know the correct answers to shopping questions. These will include “No, that is not too much money” and “Pick out whatever you like” and my favorite “You look so skinny in those jeans or you make those jeans look fantastic.”

Must love to hold hands and show public affection, even when you are not enjoying yourself. Just be happy that I am happy.

Must be able to ask for or read directions. GPS system is optional. Must be able to build things so they look like the picture on the box and not a Picasso.

Must be able to admit to being wrong monthly, maybe weekly, OK daily. And don’t worry, when you don’t admit it, I’ll wait until you do. I am a patient person. I can wait all night while you sleep on the couch.

Must have good appetite and sense of humor to deal with my family – I am Italian and Jewish (big family,lots of sarcasm, lots of food).

Must be a good listener or a good pretender (nodding politely, standard answers…yes dear, anything you say dear). I like to talk.

Must be intimate. A little pat on the butt goes a long way. A smack on the butt goes even farther as long as it is the appropriate time. We’ll leave it at that.

Are there any takers?

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