The Elephant in the Room

I haven’t written in a really long time.  In July, I broke it off with my baby daddy.  In August, I started dating, heavily.  Too heavily.  I lost control of myself and my dating.  It became easy to find guys who wanted to hang out.  Guys who were lonely. Guys who wanted to have some fun.  I enjoyed it.  It made me feel like a kid again.  I felt wanted and attractive.  Eventually, I felt dirty and ashamed. It was easy.  Too easy.

I connect with people easily but especially men.  I know how to flirt and tease.  I know how to follow through.  I know how to nurture and increase one’s ego. I know how to compliment and make them feel special.  I was with one guy and decided he was the one. We discussed it and he felt the same way.  It was good for a while but as much as I did, I would get texts every 3 days or so.  I wanted more.  I wanted to know I was special and important.  He couldn’t do that.  He was struggling financially and lost one of his jobs. We are still friends.  We don’t see each other any more.  I moved on.

I went back to dating again.  Even less satisfying than the first time.  I realized I wanted more than just a good time, some fun or a roll in the hay.  I wanted a partner.  I wanted a best friend.  I wanted love.  I had forgotten how to love and trust.

I met someone new.  Not online, but at karaoke.  We hit it off immediately.  We have been together for 3 months.  He is adorable and sweet.  He just started to quit smoking.  He drinks less than he used to.  We cook together.  We have awesome sex.  We wake up in the morning and he is the first guy I have wanted to keep in my bed.  Do you sense the but?

He has low self esteem.  He drinks too much.  We have fun.  He has met my children.  I have met his mother and sister.  I haven’t met his children.  He hasn’t met my parents or brother.  I am not in love.  I care about him and find him incredibly attractive but he is not a partner, best friend or love.

The elephant is in the room but we don’t address it.  We have fun.  We are monogamous. My mind is wandering. My thoughts aren’t always with him. I started talking to others. I have not gone on any dates. I am content. I want more.  I want the fairy tale.

Here’s the problem. I don’t believe in the fairy tale.  I have forgotten how to love someone with all my heart. I have forgotten how to trust. I am 44 years old.  I have two boys. I am ambitious and hard-working. I love my job and my second job. My life is good.

I miss having someone real to share my life with.  Someone to help take some of the overwhelming things away.  Someone to lean on. Someone to have fun with. Someone to take care of me. Someone to take care of. Someone to love.

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