Self Disruptive Behavior

It has been a few days. I’m fine. Things haven’t changed much. Or have they?

I seem to be grieving. I have a right to grieve the loss of another relationship. It was the right thing to do but I still grieve.

With grieving, I become impulsive. Writing to people and getting into their business that I have no right to get into. Saying things out loud that are embarrassing or could get someone in trouble. Alienating friends with harsh words.

A tear slips out of the duct of my eye. Another falls. I am not sobbing. I do not have that awful crying face that I make when I break down completely. I am just letting the tears fall and ruining my makeup.

No one sees me.  Normally I am an attention whore but I hate people to see me cry. I will wait until after my workout tonight to break down completely. Or maybe the workout will help bury the feelings and the break down will come at a more convenient time. I am usually a second away from a tear.

I have a great support system but that doesn’t take away the feelings of hurt and guilt. I will try to watch my words and actions. I have been stuffing myself with food I shouldn’t be eating. “Comfort foods.” (Tamales the last two days and a cheeseburger with bbq sauce & fries today) The comfort eating needs to cease as I have one month until vacation and I want to look good.

I will grieve and I will survive. I will have good days and bad days. I will benefit from the lesson and move forward even if I have to take a few steps back every once in a while.

I am aware. I can change the behaviors and feel good again…sometime soon.

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