Why I Hate to Clean – 2014 – TM Humorous Speech

Who thinks they have a bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) when it comes to some things?

Who thinks they have a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder?

Who has both? That would be me and that is why I hate to clean.

Let me explain:

I want one room clean.  Let’s say the kitchen needs help.  I want the dishes in the dishwasher, the pots and pans clean, the counters wiped down and things put away and organized.  Sounds simple, right?

I begin with the dishes.  I rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher.  OCD kicks in.  I have to put the big things on the bottom and the small things on the top.  The big things aren’t fitting.  So I have to move everything around until it fits like a puzzle.  Instead of everything just going into the dishwasher and getting cleaned, I have now spent 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher.  I find dirty spots on the pots and pans and I have now gotten three different sponges and soap to clean them properly.  Another 10 minutes wasted on one black spot on a pan.

While I went to get the detergent, I was thinking about whether or not I have enough dishwasher detergent for the dishwasher and soap for the sink.  I start rooting around in the cabinets below the sink to see what cleaners I have and I find the items I bought to clean my car.

My car really needs to be cleaned.  So I go in the other room to look for my keys because the car needs to be cleaned and I grab a garbage bag and the sprays I found under the cabinet and head out to the car.  I open my car and start throwing any garbage in it away and I see my son’s Spongebob bag in the backseat and I remember that I need more diapers and that there may be dirty clothes in the bag so I grab the Spongebob bag, leave the garbage bag in the car (so I can clean up later), lock the car and head back to the house.

Once I am in the house, I go through the bag and find the dirty clothes so I decide I need to do laundry.  I like to sort my laundry.  Reds, Blacks, Blues, Whites, and I may switch up the browns and grays into different piles.  Laundry Detergent – almost out.

Stomach Growls.  I’m hungry.  What do I want to eat.  I open the cabinet above the washer and I see pasta and I know there is meat in the freezer so I pull out the frozen meat and start boiling the water for the pasta because I have cleaned the pots and pans (I accomplished something).  I thaw the meat in the microwave and wait for the water to boil. I put the wooden spoon on the top so it doesn’t boil over.  My phone rings.

I answer and start talking on the phone.  My friend, boyfriend, son, someone needs something, so I start looking for it in the house but I cannot find it because my bedroom is messy.  I start to clean my bedroom.

My back hurts.  I need some ibuprofen.  It’s in the bathroom and my bathroom is dirty.  I choose not to clean it because my back is throbbing so I lay on my bed and put on the tv.

In the end, the dishes aren’t started in the dishwasher, the clothes aren’t started in the washing machine, the garbage is only half picked up out of my car, the meat is thawing but I am running around the house looking for something so I also forgot about the boiling water.  Once my son comes out of his room (or maybe I will text him), I’ll ask him to put the pasta in the boiling water and cook dinner (he’s a teenage boy, he will eat most of it anyway).

SEND ME TO THE BEACH TO RELAX.  That is where I really want to be.  I need to hire a housekeeper.

This is why I HATE to clean.

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